Posted by: bexican | September 30, 2009

MTV The City and The Hills – I hate myself for loving you.

It’s not often you find a living room full of 30somethings huddled around the DVR for MTV reality-telenovelas. That is, unless you head to my house on a Monday, now Tuesday, night! Maybe I am not the demographic Adam Divello had in mind when he master-minded The Hills and The City, but I am the demographic he got.  By day I listen to NPR, by night, once a week, I allow my gray matter to soften to the glitz and glam of two shows: The Hills and The City.

Crack knuckles, bottle glass of wine in hand, here we go…

The Hills: Season 6 Ep. 1 —She’s back!! I am glad to see The Hills bring a former Laguna Beachette back to the small screen. I never really hated K-Cav as much as they wanted me to because, honestly, I couldn’t understand a damn word she said.  Her O.C. accent (?) was mostly cracks and whistles to my aging ears. Seriously, MTV’s been replaying those old clips of her bouncing around OC back in the days of Laguna High thehill_kristenand I think I remember having to watch with subtitles.  Now she’s back with longer legs, longer hair, whiter teeth and a better pick-up on her mic (or some speech lessons.) Wahoo!

We start off with new besties, StephPratt, Lo and Audrina setting us up with a debate over whether they are going to be friends with Kristin. They graciously decide, despite her shortcomings and past boyfriend-stealing, to give her the “benefit of the doubt.” Bless her heart, Audrina came up with that all by her lonesome!  Those girls are such sweeties. Did Auddie and Lo forget they hated each other? Never mind. EARLY PREDICTION: This is gonna be the best season ever, full of heartfelt friendships and second chances!

THE PRATT POST-NUP PARTY: A well-staged Pratt roof-top fiesta introduces us to all our favorite Hillsies. Brody and GF du jour are narrowing down party-threads. Enter Playboy model and Brode’s GF, Jayde. Honey, you realize you are near-naked? We all bring our work home with us sometimes. Career women. It took a few rewinds to decide that, no, Jayde did not miss her wax appointment this week, no alarm folks, she’s just got a  a pube-tattoo!  All subsequent shots of bikiniJayde are from the chi-chis up. I guess a pube tattoo too distracting even for the perv-cameraman. Who else is going to the party? Cue stacked heels, cutoff jeans, black beemer, a wave of blonde hair. OH MTV, YOU WERE KIDDING! LAUREN IS BACK! No, something’s not right… Holy Cavallari! Kah-Ristin! All the regs are poolside: Brody and his hat du jour, Frankie, our favorite tag-along, Audrina and her neck-tattoo StephPratt, Heidi and Spenc waving around generic bottles of liquor and who can forget, my friend Justin Bobby. We get to see each reaction to Kristin’s entrance about 5 times, set to music, of course.

JB’s grown out his beard lately, now he looks like a stoned cast member from Jesus Christ Superstar. LEVEL ORANGE douche-factor, folks.

K-Cav beelines to JB almost like the producers told her to, and Auddie gets pizzed. Girl Code, y’all…that just aint right. Maybe I closed my eyes to enjoy a long sip of Tempranillo or sneezed or something but I wake to hear all kinds of yelling, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter! It all happened so fast. Auddie and KCav are all up IN each other’s lip gloss waving hands and whatnot. I got dizzy. JB looks on stone-faced.  He’s gonna get him some of that.

thehills_speidiTeam Pratt is looking for their starter home. Heidi wants one that includes a nursery once the realtor says the word “nursery.” But, alas, Spencer, donning his favorite  Brokeback mountain hat, proclaims he needs more modernity and less reminders of a Pratt Jr or Jrette. Back to the hunt, and cue the PornoPad! Kudos to Heidi for the nickname! She is less than impressed, but it has a cool deck and he paid the deposit. So, the place is theirs! Buying a house is easy, yo! And, first time buyers get that $8K tax credit, right? Sweet! I guess phantom Baby Pratt’s gonna sleep on the deck, al fresco out in “the nature.” Oh Heidi, you lucky lady, you.


It’s FunFrankie’s bday, and the paper streamers on the taco-shack patio tell us this one is one step up from the McDonaldland party my momma never let me have. What’s up with this? We always go to trendy-club-with-loud-music-and-DJ-for a party. Or Vegas? Maybe the boys were banned last year after they got thrown in jail for the night. Whatever…it’s a quaint gathering of good friends. We catch a glimpse of bartender-Stacie chatting up StephPratt while La Cavallari makes her entrance. It’s about time! JB’s bloodshot eyes light up. At the post party b-ball watching, JB shows us just how interested he is in sports by eying Kristin the whole time and letting her know that “Audrina’s ridden on the back of that…” I am only 45% sure he was talking about the motorcycle.

GIRL TIME: Audrina missed the taco party so her and the girls catch up. StephPratt mentions the name of the taco joint a few more time just so we know and we all, I mean…they all decide maybe Kristin is not a friend. Whuh Whoa, was my prediction wrong!? Curses! Auddie’s all sad about JB, once again. (p.s…it was ‘Pinche Tacos,’ but I know my Abuelita would have swatted my leg if I ever said “pinche” in her presence. Sorry, Weeta!)

THE DATE: (or was it?) If there is one thing I like more than JB yanking Audrina around by the hair for 4 seasons, it is La Cavallari yanking JB around by his d— for one episode. I don’t know if he will know what hit him, but she turned him up and down and the apps weren’t even on the table.  They discuss star signs, she’s a Capricorn…and she totally snort-giggled when she said “stubborn.” Gosh, I hope next week she gets a chance to ride on the back of that.

And now for the words I love to hear each episode, “COMING UP ON The Hills!”

Bitch fights, drink in face, Cav on the back of the cycle, Cav wants her Brod-man and…BONUS…Heidi’s sis, Holly may be a drinker! (and not in that order…of course!)

The City: Season 2 Ep. 1

Whitney Port is in NYC for her second season of THE CITY

Hmmm…what’s new? Oh…everything! New apartment, new/old job back working with Scary Cutrone, new friends, but she still needs to eat a sammich.  Is it just me or does Cutrone have a bit of crush on our sweet, Whitney P.? Careful out there, Whitney!

Enter Roxy, childhood friend of WP, yet somehow, she looks 40. Momma would say she is “road hard and put up wet,” maybe she is not there yet, but in City years…yes, yes she is. She just moved to NYC and thecity_whitneyneeds a couch to crash on and a j-o-b. Her and Kelly Cutrone have a heart-to-heart about zodiac signs, Whitney’s color palette, you know all the important things and she’s hired. Now for that couch! Call up doormat Whitney, she’ll let you sleep on her couch, but quiet get-togethers only, Rox. Mkay? Mkay! DEAL!

Here comes Olivia making her 10 yard walk across the streets of NYC…because we all know there is no way she is walking anywhere in The City, in those heels. Also, I think she might have circulation issues. She is wearing some leggings obviously meant to promote vascular health, but they are leathery, so, still stylish. I am going to prescribe some sammiches to this one as well.

Olivia is getting her job on! We can only describe what happens next as an interview, but we soon realize that some handshake deal is made based on her previous professional experience consisting of a college “internship” with Quest, a society mag that gets PR Director, Erin. a’gigglin. But, let’s not forget how hard she worked to try and train Whitney to be more East Coast. That counts for something, right? Anyway, all that equals a position as Accessories Editor at Elle and we are made to believe she will be working side-by-side with Erin. No time for first day jitters though, PR Erin’s got a project for Livvy. She’s going to give you an easy one, Liv, all you have to do is pick out 2 outfits. Here’s your budget of $100. You would have thought Liv got smacked in the face with a hobo bag.

In, what seems like five minutes she and intern are back with her “looks” for the Today Show. It is quite obvious she spent 90% of the day eating lunch, and 8% getting coffee. All together, these looks are lame, even I know this. Erin-not-happy. Which sets Livvy on fire! There is just NO WAY she could find anything with that budget. She gets a little shakevoice, then we see her rip her CityMic off! I kind of thought they were surgically implanted for the duration of filming, luckily we can still here Erin’s…all we find out is that Liv really is a spoiled brat and the intern looks like someone goosed her as she listens in.

Back at the Bachypad, Whitney walks in from a long day at work dodging Cutrone’s advances to a houseful of partypeeps. 30 girls to 5 guys! Rox is not happy with the guy/girl ratio, she needs to increase her chances. She can’t sleep on that couch alone! She calms Whit’s nerves with a drinky and soon the cops come a’knockin’. Rox does the big girl thing and kicks out all the people who “just showed up” (after she sent out the mass text she told Whitney she didn’t send out). Whit gives us the classic “what have I done”-sigh we know so well, and that wraps up week one!

Will Whitney’s fashion line hit big? Will Livvy decide her hands are too soft-n-pretty for working? Will Roxy admit she’s 40?

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  1. Great post….I’m tempted to start watching.

  2. This great recap is even more awesomer to me, b/c I missed the episode. Give me more!!

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